seol_plumfall | Entries tagged with angst

Tiddia wrote to me but I haven't been able to write back because I'm really, really, sick. Sick like after that Adept died, almost as sick as back when we came to Silvermoon. I can write in this journal just fine, but if I think about going outside, even if I look at a letter-size piece of parchment I feel sick and frightened and I can't get out of my bed.

I have to go back to Silvermoon to report to the Masters eventually but whenever I think about it I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm ashamed of myself.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: enervated

This world into which we have been born is filled with sadness and suffering.

( With such tender hearts and feeble minds... )

Dear Light,

Help me

I want to feel pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and to desire pleasure like a normal person.

I dont want to have to pretend that when I feel grief and when I feel pity that I am feeling pleasure.

I dont want to have to figure out what pleasure is by feeling for the gaps in pain. I dont want to run away from pain and pretend that it is the same thing as running towards pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and desire

I dont want to be afraid that my pleasure is not really pleasure and that I will never be able to tell the difference between pleasure and relief.

I want to be able to have a desire for Astrolabe that does not have inside it a fear that my desire is not real. I want to be able to have a desire that is desire, like a normal person

Please

give me faith.

I need to believe in pleasure.

believe in chocolate

Seol 61 ← Seol 62 → Astrolabe 29

Current Mood: not despairing

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Current Mood: anxious

Astrolabe,

You know that I do not like when you leave suddenly. But I know you will be extra sweet to me when you return to make me feel better.

I could not convince Jia to return to Silvermoon. She said that to make her go I would have to bend her body under my strength or I would have to arrest her as a Master. And she knows I will not do these things, so she won. She, Pietro, and Cosimo ^and Galenos are staying on the Scryers Tier. Pietro is going to go back to Silvermoon to watch the house for a little while, until I can hire someone else because Tiddia needs to go work soon.

I cannot even go see my sister because the Scryers know my face.

Why are you not here to rub the tear off of it and make me feel better?

Helaah 2 ← Seol 57 → Seol 58

Current Mood: wangsty

Seol,

I was selfish to you.

I was happy to be a child for you to protect. I was happy to be inside the walls of Shattrath and not to need the hands and hooves of I to be fast to get food for we. I thought, now, I rest and be a child again, and the walls and the bodies of Vindicators of the Aldor protect I. I thought I had time to grow and to help the Light later. And I sat inside the walls, and the bodies of they and of the Shattered Sun and of Seol protected I.

But I am not so very small. I killed three elves on Bloodmyst. I crushed in the faces with a mace. I cried and I cried and I was so sad of the beautiful faces dead and I said I try and I try not to kill any more ones. And two months went. And two months I was happy in Shattrath, I was the wife of the husband of I, and two months he fought and he bled and blood was on he and I was so clean.

The sister of you is only a half of a century, and she walked to Shattrath to understand the love of you. And I heard she said to the angry you, she will not wait. She does not have the strength of adults but she has a strength to go so she goes right now.

Two months you bled and there was blood and dirty things on the ground of Draenor, and I bandaged people of the Shattered Sun and made armors and cared to you, but I sat inside the walls and other people fought and bled and made blood and died.

It is not wrong if I do this.

But I can not want to do it any more.

Jiajia 4 ← Astrolabe 28 → Helaah 2

Current Mood: determined

I saw the reason that Seol never did take me here, down there, upon the ground.

There aren't any gardens. There aren't any candles around the temple. There are still flames, though, big ones in the middle of the bones of the buildings. The Lost Ones lay down their bows and knives and smoke their fresh-caught roast: the fatty arm of a dark-skinned draenei.

There they are, eating my home.

I hate them.

Astrolabe 26 ← Astrolabe 27 → Seol 53

Current Mood: upset

Astrolabe,

~~I know you try to make a joke with the mask and the "now you will love me because I am a blood elf" but it's not~~ Various things happened today.

I was afraid to confess to Tiddia so I did not go home to the apartment in Silvermoon quickly. I went to M'uru's room instead because I wanted to feel that love so I would be a little braver. But I found Shuuken there. It was strange. She said she heard music that called her there. I wonder if Shuuken "hears" the spirits and the breath of the earth the way that I "feel" the Light.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: worried

Astrolabe,

Today Tiddia and I went to Quel'Danas to fight the Sunfuries as we planned.

Before we left I showed her M'uru's room. Shuuken found us by accident in Silvermoon and so I showed her, too. And Jelleneth came to the room while looking for Master Arimadios. I tried to explain my feelings but I do not think Tiddia and Jelleneth liked them very much. Maybe it is because my ideas are very full of pain or because it is a sort of feeling of a selfish child. But Tiddia said that she understood and did not hate me for it. Even if she thinks I am twisted if she understands that is enough.

Shuuken understood well, I think. I often think that Shuuken understands me well. I think that this means I am much like a mad shaman and am not sure if I should be happy or worried about this.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: satisfied

Well, nevermind.

It turns out Tiddia never believed in my love at all.

Seol 46 ← Seol 47 → Seol 48

Current Mood: defeated

No, I can't just go to sleep.

Stela, she was so short and small, but there was no person, no danger of which she was afraid. She was clever and brave and did not suffer any sort of arbitrary obstacles or illogical rules. Of course sometimes she would lose and she would get frustrated and sad, and sometimes she'd just plain be wrong about whatever and have to change her stance, but no matter how many times she'd lost she did not give up her deep wishes. She did not wall herself up and stop listening to her feelings, stop believing in the deep truth of her feelings. She was really strong.

Stela with her red hair and her third set of teeth that was kind of crooked. Stela who would kick a boy in the face if he deserved it, even if she was wearing a skirt. Stela who was reading material five years ahead of schedule, Stela who maybe was smarter than even I.

Stela is maybe dead because of me.

I've got to help Jia.

Pietro 6 ← Cosimo 3 → Pietro 7

Current Mood: terrified

I can't stand this sound.

I can't stand the sound of the trampling and crushing and stomping that is supposed to be the healing. I can't stand the sound of the wish that took so much courage to wish for being chewed upon. I can't stand the sound of that tiny desire and hope being crumpled. He is crying and I c a n ' t s t a n d t h e s o u n d.

Stealing love from an innocent and weak, beautiful heart that struggles against all that weight to love at all, it's not fair. Laughing away unconditional love, painful love, it's not fair. It's evil. It's unforgivable.

I can't allow her to keep torturing him.

Seol 44 ← Astrolabe 24 → Pietro 6

Current Mood: angry

I did not die. I was saved by the very kind Lady Elayia, for whom I must write harder, and the not-a-paladin Kriegus, and by Ruepert who took considerable risks for my sake, and by Tiddia.

Tiddia came to look for me. She did not go to the necromancers. She came back to the Cathedral to look for me because I was late. I am so happy that she did not go to the necromancers. I am so happy for her soul.

But I think that it is like I thought, and that Tiddia does not want anything to do with me anymore.

No matter how hard I try, what I do, as sincere as I try to be

( Read more... )

Current Mood: depressed

Astrolabe,

I made a mistake. I was very tired while studying and I fell asleep. And now I woke up and the draenei potion has stopped working, and I am here in the basement of the Cathedral of Stormwind with my long ears and green eyes and no armor at all.

I am afraid I am going to die.

And I must make a confession to you if I am going to die.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: guilty

Astrolabe,

I feel as if I am always holding onto Tiddia just barely and then losing her again.

At the Pig, which Tiddia used to like, we met a strange and friendly draenei paladin-not-a-paladin, which pleased you a lot. You made something like hot chocolate for us and it was very tasty. But then there were scary drunk people and we left to go to the Slaughtered Lamb, which has a very morbid name.

That was the place that things began to get bad again. After you went home.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: crushed

Astrolabe,

I am starting to feel excited, even though I told myself not to feel this way because it is dangerous. If something goes wrong, Tiddia can maybe say that she is not of the Forsaken and is really a returning Ebon Blade of the Alliance. But I am a blood elf and a Blood Knight and if I get caught again, it may be bad.

And yet I am excited. For at least a few hours I can walk into the Cathedral at ease. I can breathe in the old theology books and sigh as loudly as I want. And I will get to learn about things with you. I hope.

Tiddia is also acting happy and so I am happy.

I guess it was this friend whom she needed all along. No matter what I did for her, I was not able to give her the love and hope she needed to be happy again. I suppose I feel a little jealous and a little sorry for myself. But I also feel so much happiness for her, lighter and better at the same time that I feel so heavy.

Perhaps she will no longer need me after this, and I will slowly disappear from her happy story.

Jiajia 2 ← Seol 39 → Seol 40

Current Mood: melancholy

I hated my parents.

They never punished me. They were never angry or pleased with what I did. Sometimes I could annoy them and get them to leave me alone for a while. But mostly they didn't care at all.

It's not like they didn't notice or didn't know what was going on. The nanny or governess would always report everything to them. And I would always get the exact books I needed and clothes that were just the right size. And when I asked for a whole set of imported dolls with real doll-sized Mageweave clothes, they gave it to me. Because they loved me no matter what.

No matter what.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: grumpy

Astrolabe,

I think that Tiddia maybe just hates me.

I am very tired.

Seol 33 ← Seol 34 → Pietro 5

Current Mood: sad

Why is everyone so mean to me?

I never did anything bad. I never did anything wrong. I never hurt anyone, but nobody likes me. The death knight lady and some orc picked on me today. Why does everyone pick on me? And then Jia was angry at me. Everyone hates me for bad things that I didn't do.

I tried hard and I studied so much and I tried really hard to be a good son and a good student and a good big brother to Stela and now my family hates me and the magi hate me and I'm in a house full of strangers in Silvermoon and I can't sleep because the fel is hurting my stomach.

I want to go home but I can't.

Abelar 4 ← Cosimo 2 → Pietro 3

Current Mood: angsty

Guest post by Lynod

Dearest Helaah,

I should be happy today. Today I have truly gained a son. Today I have seen my daughter's greatest wish realized. I have thought about this occasion for decades, planning little scenarios and feeling a rush of pride and joy within my breast.

I feel none of that today, however, which confirms the selfishness within me. I, we, Helaah have lost Astrolabe to adulthood. I have always delighted in the precociousness that has dwelled in our strange, beautiful daughter, but I feel like it has brought me heartache now. I expected that I had decades before my precious flower was plucked, and I suppose I did not expect it despite all of the signs of burgeoning.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: moody

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30

Seol Plumfall

turtle loves sporebat

→Seol 66: Dark night

→Storybook 1: Credo

→Seol 62: Pray

→Seol 60: His problem

→Seol 57: Surrendering

→Astrolabe 28: Her conviction

→Astrolabe 27: Tuurem

→Seol 52: The consumption of souls

→Seol 51: Upon Quel'Danas

→Seol 47: Sooner than expected

→Cosimo 3: Foolish courage

→Astrolabe 24: I can protect him, too

→Seol 44: Loss of hope

→Seol 43: Confession

→Seol 42: Courtship over souls

→Seol 39: In his journal again

→Jiajia 2: Unconditional love

→Seol 34: Will not believe in me

→Cosimo 2: Maybe they have a good reason

→Abelar 4: I Do Thee Wed

September 2011

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