seol_plumfall | Entries tagged with seol is depressed

The young elf leaned his head back against the cushions, watching the violet-skinned girl dry her hair. With those fragile wrists and tiny fingers, her small body curving forward, the delicate shapes of her spine and shoulderblades showing through the thin cloth of her undershirt, she was roughly scrubbing her head and horns without a hint of elegance or grace. She lowered the cloth and tossed her wet hair, sneezed, and smeared her nose against her arm; then she blinked as the boy began to laugh at her.

He restrained his chuckling and shook his head, a characteristic awkward smile twisting his lips, and waved apologetically at the glaring girl. "You are cute," he said, truthfully.

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Astrolabe, sweet of my heart,

I feel much better today. Yesterday I was able to go to the market and the tavern in Shattrath to look for foods and wines for Jelleneth. I met her at the tavern and I talked to her without becoming frightened, too. I was even able to talk about that man who ~~I dislike~~ frightens me without feeling frightened. I think I shall send him some cupcakes, and Jelleneth suggested some sweets from Draenor, so that he does not suspect ill will from me. For whatever my selfish personal feelings may be, he is Jelleneth's ~~unworthy suitor~~ dear friend and I must not allow bad feelings to grow between us.

And today I was able to go to Orgrimmar and buy lots of candy and things to cook. Talking to the strangers did not make me feel frightened at all because I was so excited about cooking with you and sending the gifts to people. I feel better. I feel at ease.

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Current Mood: anxious

Tiddia wrote to me but I haven't been able to write back because I'm really, really, sick. Sick like after that Adept died, almost as sick as back when we came to Silvermoon. I can write in this journal just fine, but if I think about going outside, even if I look at a letter-size piece of parchment I feel sick and frightened and I can't get out of my bed.

I have to go back to Silvermoon to report to the Masters eventually but whenever I think about it I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm ashamed of myself.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: enervated

Dear Light,

Help me

I want to feel pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and to desire pleasure like a normal person.

I dont want to have to pretend that when I feel grief and when I feel pity that I am feeling pleasure.

I dont want to have to figure out what pleasure is by feeling for the gaps in pain. I dont want to run away from pain and pretend that it is the same thing as running towards pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and desire

I dont want to be afraid that my pleasure is not really pleasure and that I will never be able to tell the difference between pleasure and relief.

I want to be able to have a desire for Astrolabe that does not have inside it a fear that my desire is not real. I want to be able to have a desire that is desire, like a normal person

Please

give me faith.

I need to believe in pleasure.

believe in chocolate

Seol 61 ← Seol 62 → Astrolabe 29

Current Mood: not despairing

I can't stand this sound.

I can't stand the sound of the trampling and crushing and stomping that is supposed to be the healing. I can't stand the sound of the wish that took so much courage to wish for being chewed upon. I can't stand the sound of that tiny desire and hope being crumpled. He is crying and I c a n ' t s t a n d t h e s o u n d.

Stealing love from an innocent and weak, beautiful heart that struggles against all that weight to love at all, it's not fair. Laughing away unconditional love, painful love, it's not fair. It's evil. It's unforgivable.

I can't allow her to keep torturing him.

Seol 44 ← Astrolabe 24 → Pietro 6

Current Mood: angry

I did not die. I was saved by the very kind Lady Elayia, for whom I must write harder, and the not-a-paladin Kriegus, and by Ruepert who took considerable risks for my sake, and by Tiddia.

Tiddia came to look for me. She did not go to the necromancers. She came back to the Cathedral to look for me because I was late. I am so happy that she did not go to the necromancers. I am so happy for her soul.

But I think that it is like I thought, and that Tiddia does not want anything to do with me anymore.

No matter how hard I try, what I do, as sincere as I try to be

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Current Mood: depressed

I hated my parents.

They never punished me. They were never angry or pleased with what I did. Sometimes I could annoy them and get them to leave me alone for a while. But mostly they didn't care at all.

It's not like they didn't notice or didn't know what was going on. The nanny or governess would always report everything to them. And I would always get the exact books I needed and clothes that were just the right size. And when I asked for a whole set of imported dolls with real doll-sized Mageweave clothes, they gave it to me. Because they loved me no matter what.

No matter what.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: grumpy

~~Astrolabe,~~

Astrolabe,

Is this right? Am I the right husband for you? Am I capable of becoming the other half of your heart? Will I be able to make you actually happy -- can I produce "pleasure" in you? Or will I only be able to provide you some fleeting satisfaction when you soothe my pains, paltry pleasures that cost your exhaustion? If I am ill for the rest of my life, will you nurse me, virtuously, until my sadness infects you, too?

Are you really willing to waste your life on someone who is so slow-witted and slow-smiling? Do you really like me, trust me that much?

I really like you and I trust you, and I'm really afraid

I need to work harder.

Seol 22 ← Seol 23 → Astrolabe 14

Current Mood: worried

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30

Seol Plumfall

turtle loves sporebat

→SS3, House Plumfall: Winter Veil

→Seol 67: Gradual recovery

→Seol 66: Dark night

→Seol 62: Pray

→Astrolabe 24: I can protect him, too

→Seol 44: Loss of hope

→Jiajia 2: Unconditional love

→Seol 23: and Pain

September 2011

Thingies

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