→Seol 58: Selfish love
Oct. 29th, 2009 12:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seol_plumfallAstrolabe,
Last night was very strange. Our mother and I were both tired so we did not cook but went to eat at the World's End. But our mother did not sit with me and drank at the bar. I was confused. Did she want me to drink with her, or was she thinking alone? I was confused so I did not join her.
Then Jelleneth came in and she was very drunk. After I Cleansed her she explained her problem, that there are two men who want to be her husband and she does not know which one to marry. And I was a little angry to hear about it, Astrolabe.
One stupid man put her in a difficult place. If he felt love for a long time but decided he should not say it, he should not change his mind so late and put her in a difficult place where she cannot escape from a choice that hurts someone. That is much more cruel than to confess his feelings right away or to keep them quiet and forget them. This man is very stupid.
And I am angry that Jelleneth is under the pressure to choose between hurtful choices. Of course I would be more angry if she did not have a choice but I feel bad that she has to decide this difficult thing.
And I am angry at her a little, but only a little. Because she said, she cannot decide which love is better, the type of love of one stupid man or the type of love of the other stupider man. To hear that upset me. I do not like to hear about one love being more worthy than a different love. No loves are worthy at all. Neither man deserves Jelleneth. Nobody deserves Jelleneth, nobody deserves anybody. This makes me so angry somehow.
I think the reason I am angry is because a world where a man can buy a woman with his love and virtue is an unjust world, to my heart.
I told her that nobody deserves her in the world. But she can give her gift of her love to some unworthy one in the world if he makes her happy. She should have the man she wants to have and make her gift out of selfishness.
And if she does not know what man she wants she should not have any man yet, I think. And I feel angry that they pressure her to choose someone now. They can wait or obey a "no" or they can all jump off a ship and drown in their plate armor.
But I did not say much more and I was ashamed after I said it because I really do not know about love and how to choose the one to marry because you chose me. So I should not lecture wiser people than I about how to choose. If I did that then I would be a real paladin.
But I am worried about her.
I am going to go see Tiddia soon.
I miss you.
Last night was very strange. Our mother and I were both tired so we did not cook but went to eat at the World's End. But our mother did not sit with me and drank at the bar. I was confused. Did she want me to drink with her, or was she thinking alone? I was confused so I did not join her.
Then Jelleneth came in and she was very drunk. After I Cleansed her she explained her problem, that there are two men who want to be her husband and she does not know which one to marry. And I was a little angry to hear about it, Astrolabe.
One stupid man put her in a difficult place. If he felt love for a long time but decided he should not say it, he should not change his mind so late and put her in a difficult place where she cannot escape from a choice that hurts someone. That is much more cruel than to confess his feelings right away or to keep them quiet and forget them. This man is very stupid.
And I am angry that Jelleneth is under the pressure to choose between hurtful choices. Of course I would be more angry if she did not have a choice but I feel bad that she has to decide this difficult thing.
And I am angry at her a little, but only a little. Because she said, she cannot decide which love is better, the type of love of one stupid man or the type of love of the other stupider man. To hear that upset me. I do not like to hear about one love being more worthy than a different love. No loves are worthy at all. Neither man deserves Jelleneth. Nobody deserves Jelleneth, nobody deserves anybody. This makes me so angry somehow.
I think the reason I am angry is because a world where a man can buy a woman with his love and virtue is an unjust world, to my heart.
I told her that nobody deserves her in the world. But she can give her gift of her love to some unworthy one in the world if he makes her happy. She should have the man she wants to have and make her gift out of selfishness.
And if she does not know what man she wants she should not have any man yet, I think. And I feel angry that they pressure her to choose someone now. They can wait or obey a "no" or they can all jump off a ship and drown in their plate armor.
But I did not say much more and I was ashamed after I said it because I really do not know about love and how to choose the one to marry because you chose me. So I should not lecture wiser people than I about how to choose. If I did that then I would be a real paladin.
But I am worried about her.
I am going to go see Tiddia soon.
I miss you.