Isaac Black (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seol_plumfall) wrote2009-10-11 11:23 pm
seol_plumfall) wrote2009-10-11 11:23 pm
Entry tags:
- angst,
- astrolabe hates ronch,
- bubblehearthship,
- campironch,
- elayia,
- friendship,
- ic,
- journal,
- kriegus,
- love,
- ronch,
- ruepert,
- savior complex,
- seol,
- seol feels sorry for himself,
- seol gets angry,
- seol is depressed,
- seol is jealous,
- seol is needy,
- seol is so emo,
- seol writing,
- seol's heart is breaking,
- sporebat loves turtle,
- stormwind hijinx,
- turtle loves sporebat
→Seol 44: Loss of hope
I did not die. I was saved by the very kind Lady Elayia, for whom I must write harder, and the not-a-paladin Kriegus, and by Ruepert who took considerable risks for my sake, and by Tiddia.
Tiddia came to look for me. She did not go to the necromancers. She came back to the Cathedral to look for me because I was late. I am so happy that she did not go to the necromancers. I am so happy for her soul.
But I think that it is like I thought, and that Tiddia does not want anything to do with me anymore.
No matter how hard I try, what I do, as sincere as I try to be
I thought that if she believed that she had my unconditional love, that I would protect her with my life, that if everything else was taken from her, if everyone else hated her, if she was in the darkness alone with nothing, she would still have my love -- if she believed those things that she would feel better and feel happy and be able to be calm and to flourish and become well again and to grow her soul into happiness.
But it is instead that she hates me and does not want anything of mine. I am disgusting to her.
[The writing becomes gradually more jagged and shaky.]
I should not feel sad because she has many beautiful and wonderful friends who got her love without doing anything not anything like the pain and effort and money and love that I tried to give and she will be fine because she has friends and she will be happy with her friends and I and I am I a and I w ill be a l alone woithout my firends who i used to talk to and talk about the Light and these philosophical things and I will not have her kindnss and she will hate me because I do not support the scourge even thoguh she lvoe the one who wants to kill all undeads even though i am trying to make a phlosophy of light for her for her so that she and I cam be fornds in the Light even thouh I tred really really really really hard and suffered a lot and went thorugh a lto fo pain for her she still hates me because I am relly such a disgusting and bad person no matter what I do no matter how hard I try to bel oved, no matter what I do or how many decades I try to make myself a better person i will only ever annoy people
[Appended, in calm and even letters:]
I am not alone.
Remember to get a Wyrm for M. Ruepert.
Tiddia came to look for me. She did not go to the necromancers. She came back to the Cathedral to look for me because I was late. I am so happy that she did not go to the necromancers. I am so happy for her soul.
But I think that it is like I thought, and that Tiddia does not want anything to do with me anymore.
No matter how hard I try, what I do, as sincere as I try to be
I thought that if she believed that she had my unconditional love, that I would protect her with my life, that if everything else was taken from her, if everyone else hated her, if she was in the darkness alone with nothing, she would still have my love -- if she believed those things that she would feel better and feel happy and be able to be calm and to flourish and become well again and to grow her soul into happiness.
But it is instead that she hates me and does not want anything of mine. I am disgusting to her.
[The writing becomes gradually more jagged and shaky.]
I should not feel sad because she has many beautiful and wonderful friends who got her love without doing anything not anything like the pain and effort and money and love that I tried to give and she will be fine because she has friends and she will be happy with her friends and I and I am I a and I w ill be a l alone woithout my firends who i used to talk to and talk about the Light and these philosophical things and I will not have her kindnss and she will hate me because I do not support the scourge even thoguh she lvoe the one who wants to kill all undeads even though i am trying to make a phlosophy of light for her for her so that she and I cam be fornds in the Light even thouh I tred really really really really hard and suffered a lot and went thorugh a lto fo pain for her she still hates me because I am relly such a disgusting and bad person no matter what I do no matter how hard I try to bel oved, no matter what I do or how many decades I try to make myself a better person i will only ever annoy people
[Appended, in calm and even letters:]
I am not alone.
Remember to get a Wyrm for M. Ruepert.
Jiajia 3 ← Seol 44 → Astrolabe 24