Isaac Black (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seol_plumfall) wrote2009-08-18 07:19 pm
seol_plumfall) wrote2009-08-18 07:19 pm
Entry tags:
→Seol 13: Destroying Himself On Their Swords
On a fresh page.
Today T. and I argued. She asked me to stop worrying about her, to forget about her because she does not want anyone to grieve for her. To leave her because those around her suffer when they try to protect her. She felt she owed her life to too many people as it was. (She became quite angry during this and hit me, and I fell into the fountain and hit my head. But there was no lasting damage done. I think.)
But this is neither fair nor reasonable. It is not possible for me to obey her request in the first place because I cannot control whether I worry or not. One cannot force himself not to care about someone any more than he can force himself to care for someone. Even less possible, then, to force someone else to start or to stop caring. Likewise, it is impossible to force someone to forget. Everyone a memory of which he would rather be rid, but only the most potent magical draughts have that power; without them, that memory will haunt him forever. So it is not reasonable to request this of someone; it goes against his nature.
But it is also tremendously unkind. I need to remember. So many memories are disappearing on the battlefields of this world already. I need to remember -- I desire it badly. To keep as many memories inside as I can is my desire; forgetting goes against my heart.
She is very unkind. She offers to help everywhere and does not wish to hurt anyone. She hesitates to kill even more than I do. She is not a bad person, and I do like her. But I think she is unkind. She believes that she is acting selflessly but is more selfish than selfless. She is constantly risking her life, coming back wounded and defeated, using her strength recklessly and insensibly instead of measuring it out efficiently. Her anger flares immediately and she wounds herself in the name of those who would rather she not be wounded, or she strikes those she does not want to see hurt. She speaks of setting aside her own desires to help others but ignores their wishes to feel battle again.
And it is not kind to reject the care of others. It is cruel to wish her parents had not protected her, their own child and their deep love. And it is unfair to refuse to accumulate more life-debts, as if she rejects the connections they forge. It is not kind and self-sacrificing to do these things; it sacrifices others.
It hurts and upsets me to hear her words. I am too afraid to voice my own thoughts, however. If they anger her, she may go off and do more reckless things. If they sadden her she may think herself worth less and punish herself. All possible actions seem to lead to the same result of her destroying herself on the swords and shield-spikes of the Scourge. It frustrates me to watch.
And so I understand why I might annoy some people much better now.
Today T. and I argued. She asked me to stop worrying about her, to forget about her because she does not want anyone to grieve for her. To leave her because those around her suffer when they try to protect her. She felt she owed her life to too many people as it was. (She became quite angry during this and hit me, and I fell into the fountain and hit my head. But there was no lasting damage done. I think.)
But this is neither fair nor reasonable. It is not possible for me to obey her request in the first place because I cannot control whether I worry or not. One cannot force himself not to care about someone any more than he can force himself to care for someone. Even less possible, then, to force someone else to start or to stop caring. Likewise, it is impossible to force someone to forget. Everyone a memory of which he would rather be rid, but only the most potent magical draughts have that power; without them, that memory will haunt him forever. So it is not reasonable to request this of someone; it goes against his nature.
But it is also tremendously unkind. I need to remember. So many memories are disappearing on the battlefields of this world already. I need to remember -- I desire it badly. To keep as many memories inside as I can is my desire; forgetting goes against my heart.
She is very unkind. She offers to help everywhere and does not wish to hurt anyone. She hesitates to kill even more than I do. She is not a bad person, and I do like her. But I think she is unkind. She believes that she is acting selflessly but is more selfish than selfless. She is constantly risking her life, coming back wounded and defeated, using her strength recklessly and insensibly instead of measuring it out efficiently. Her anger flares immediately and she wounds herself in the name of those who would rather she not be wounded, or she strikes those she does not want to see hurt. She speaks of setting aside her own desires to help others but ignores their wishes to feel battle again.
And it is not kind to reject the care of others. It is cruel to wish her parents had not protected her, their own child and their deep love. And it is unfair to refuse to accumulate more life-debts, as if she rejects the connections they forge. It is not kind and self-sacrificing to do these things; it sacrifices others.
It hurts and upsets me to hear her words. I am too afraid to voice my own thoughts, however. If they anger her, she may go off and do more reckless things. If they sadden her she may think herself worth less and punish herself. All possible actions seem to lead to the same result of her destroying herself on the swords and shield-spikes of the Scourge. It frustrates me to watch.
And so I understand why I might annoy some people much better now.