seol_plumfall: (seol)
Astrolabe, sweet of my heart,

I feel much better today. Yesterday I was able to go to the market and the tavern in Shattrath to look for foods and wines for Jelleneth. I met her at the tavern and I talked to her without becoming frightened, too. I was even able to talk about that man who I dislike frightens me without feeling frightened. I think I shall send him some cupcakes, and Jelleneth suggested some sweets from Draenor, so that he does not suspect ill will from me. For whatever my selfish personal feelings may be, he is Jelleneth's unworthy suitor dear friend and I must not allow bad feelings to grow between us.

And today I was able to go to Orgrimmar and buy lots of candy and things to cook. Talking to the strangers did not make me feel frightened at all because I was so excited about cooking with you and sending the gifts to people. I feel better. I feel at ease.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)
Tiddia wrote to me but I haven't been able to write back because I'm really, really, sick. Sick like after that Adept died, almost as sick as back when we came to Silvermoon. I can write in this journal just fine, but if I think about going outside, even if I look at a letter-size piece of parchment I feel sick and frightened and I can't get out of my bed.

I have to go back to Silvermoon to report to the Masters eventually but whenever I think about it I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)

I feel so nice.

I think that I need to rest more often. Often I "rest" from the battlefield or from my duties in Silvermoon, but I travel here and there, and I write or read about difficult things, or I practice arms, or I run errands for the house. I do not just stay in the house and rest and soothe and repair my body all day. But today we did nothing but eat and talk and take a bath and I feel so nice.

Maybe I cannot know with certainty if it is pleasure or it is only relief from the pain of my body. But I will not fret about it any more.

Our mother and father are in Zangarmarsh so we are being naked and lazy in our house. And now I am going to cook something and then we are going to go to sleep.

Seol 63 ← Seol 64 → Astrolabe 30
seol_plumfall: (seol)
Every day I am happy that Astrolabe is near to me to help me and to teach me patiently.

Some days ago Astrolabe returned from Darnassus. She met various people in that city, but she did not manage to find a master warrior to train her. She did not want to go to Stormwind or the Exodar, and though I said she could go to Ironforge, she said that she was tired and tired of the distance from me, so she came home.

Our father told me that perhaps she should not wander everywhere looking for a teacher who knows of the Light but will not mistake her for a paladin when her husband is here in Shattrath and serves the Shattered Sun with the Light and a sword. He discussed it with our mother and with Astrolabe and they both agreed, they want me to be her teacher before any other man or woman.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)
Dear Light,

Help me

I want to feel pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and to desire pleasure like a normal person.

I dont want to have to pretend that when I feel grief and when I feel pity that I am feeling pleasure.

I dont want to have to figure out what pleasure is by feeling for the gaps in pain. I dont want to run away from pain and pretend that it is the same thing as running towards pleasure.

I want to feel pleasure and desire

I dont want to be afraid that my pleasure is not really pleasure and that I will never be able to tell the difference between pleasure and relief.

I want to be able to have a desire for Astrolabe that does not have inside it a fear that my desire is not real. I want to be able to have a desire that is desire, like a normal person


give me faith.

I need to believe in pleasure.

believe in chocolate

Seol 61 ← Seol 62 → Astrolabe 29
seol_plumfall: (seol)
To whom it may concern:



what the fel "paladin-sexual"

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (astro)

This is a story about a king who had one daughter. This young princess was famous throughout the small kingdom for her gentleness and wisdom, and the farmers and merchants would request her help with their disputes whenever she toured the towns and countryside. The people loved and trusted her judgment, and the king, too, loved her very much.

The eighth decenniversary of the princess's birth approached, and her father wished to host a banquet in her honor. But he found himself in a quandary. He wished to import the finest, rarest luxuries for her – the blushing peaches frosted with moonlight from the northernmost forests of Kalimdor or the fragrant violet berries plucked from the mountains of southern Terokkar. But his was but a small kingdom, and with his limited wealth, he could only furnish the banquet one of these two delicacies. Only the sweetest fruit in the world would do for his peerless daughter, and he did not know whether to trust the bards of Darnassus or those of Shattrath, who both sang paeans to the bounty of their respective homelands.

And so one day... )
seol_plumfall: (Default)

Tiddia wrote me from Icecrown. And I was very confused because I thought she would watch the Silvermoon house until someone came back. So I went there very quickly and met the man that Tiddia hired to watch the house and feed the cats, whose name is Thadric.

He is very strange. And undead. And he was not wearing any clothes almost, but the door was locked and he did not expect anyone, and all people like to do their various strange things in their privacy, so I do not think that was itself a very bad thing, but

I did not want to see that.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)

Last night was very strange. Our mother and I were both tired so we did not cook but went to eat at the World's End. But our mother did not sit with me and drank at the bar. I was confused. Did she want me to drink with her, or was she thinking alone? I was confused so I did not join her.

Then Jelleneth came in and she was very drunk. After I Cleansed her she explained her problem, that there are two men who want to be her husband and she does not know which one to marry. And I was a little angry to hear about it, Astrolabe.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)

You know that I do not like when you leave suddenly. But I know you will be extra sweet to me when you return to make me feel better.

I could not convince Jia to return to Silvermoon. She said that to make her go I would have to bend her body under my strength or I would have to arrest her as a Master. And she knows I will not do these things, so she won. She, Pietro, and Cosimo ^and Galenos are staying on the Scryers Tier. Pietro is going to go back to Silvermoon to watch the house for a little while, until I can hire someone else because Tiddia needs to go work soon.

I cannot even go see my sister because the Scryers know my face.

Why are you not here to rub the tear off of it and make me feel better?

Helaah 2 ← Seol 57 → Seol 58
seol_plumfall: (Default)

I had such a strange dream last night, of a very large dog that would not stop eating bodies.

And I woke up today feeling so sore all over, everywhere...

Cosimo 4 ← Seol 56 → Jiajia 4
seol_plumfall: (seol)
[Appended, some hours later]

Oh Astrolabe, by the Light, the sermons of the Horde are very, very bad. I wish you or Mother were here to teach them what proper religious scholarship is.

I planned to finish on the story about the Light tonight but my brain hurts after this. I think I am ill with the Plague of Bad Theology.

Seol 54 ← Seol 55 → Pietro 8
seol_plumfall: (Default)
Lately I have been thinking about souls. I have also been thinking that I shouldn't be thinking about souls because I still have not finished thinking about the Light for the first draft of my essay. There is only one section left for me to write. Maybe that is why I do not want to write it. I am afraid -- actually, not afraid, more embarrassed, as I feel myself blushing even just writing this -- I am embarrassed to firmly state, "this is indeed what I believe the Light is," I guess because the firmness of my belief does not actually exist and really I am very ignorant and extremely confused.

But I ought to finish it so that I can begin to translate it. I am very worried about Astrolabe, I have never seen her have a sad mood that lasted this long. If we become busy writing and translating, maybe she will become enthusiastic and laugh with excitement again. I cannot give my body for her consumption to please her, but I can give my words for her critique and please her?

Then I will show it to Helaah. Abelar told me that he and Helaah used to write each other letters about the Light and ethics before their marriage. I would really like her to criticize and help me.

But I'm a little bit extremely terrified.

I guess I better get to work.

Seol 53 ← Seol 54 → Seol 55
seol_plumfall: (seol)

Today I confessed to Tiddia and it was fine. After was the same as before. She treated me very kindly today and complimented me on many strange things. She at least thinks I look more like a man than a boy now, and I was flattered. And when I told her the story she was not angered or frightened, I think at least, and when I asked if she thought I was weak for still having a panic reaction to that, she still said I was perfect the way that I am.

Maybe she was just saying especially nice things to make me calm down, but I was so happy to hear those kind words. And she says she wants to join the Ebon Blade so that she can stand in Icecrown with the army that protects life in order to protect me and to protect the ones I love. I was so happy to hear that.

Will you forgive her, Astrolabe? It is not fair of me to ask such a thing of Astrolabe when she is still so unhappy. I feel bad, I should have discouraged her from touring Draenor, I should have known that what she would see would upset her.


I am so happy that Tiddia wants to protect my Astrolabe. Because my Astrolabe is, to me, perfect the way she is.

Astrolabe 27 ← Seol 53 → Seol 54
seol_plumfall: (seol)

I know you try to make a joke with the mask and the "now you will love me because I am a blood elf" but it's not Various things happened today.

I was afraid to confess to Tiddia so I did not go home to the apartment in Silvermoon quickly. I went to M'uru's room instead because I wanted to feel that love so I would be a little braver. But I found Shuuken there. It was strange. She said she heard music that called her there. I wonder if Shuuken "hears" the spirits and the breath of the earth the way that I "feel" the Light.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)

Today Tiddia and I went to Quel'Danas to fight the Sunfuries as we planned.

Before we left I showed her M'uru's room. Shuuken found us by accident in Silvermoon and so I showed her, too. And Jelleneth came to the room while looking for Master Arimadios. I tried to explain my feelings but I do not think Tiddia and Jelleneth liked them very much. Maybe it is because my ideas are very full of pain or because it is a sort of feeling of a selfish child. But Tiddia said that she understood and did not hate me for it. Even if she thinks I am twisted if she understands that is enough.

Shuuken understood well, I think. I often think that Shuuken understands me well. I think that this means I am much like a mad shaman and am not sure if I should be happy or worried about this.

Read more... )
seol_plumfall: (seol)

Today I met an engineer committing sacrilege in M'uru's room.

I did not throw him out or show my anger even though I probably outrank the one who let him down here. And I know it would be wrong of me to say that he is definitely immoral when I am happy to commit heresies and blasphemies.

But it is disrespectful. It is not kind to be careless and to track dirt on the bloodstains left by a mother who died giving birth. Even if the dead do not care about their dignity any more, their children do. It is unkind to their feelings.

But I held onto my tongue.

Read more... )

September 2011

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